Mumblings of a Colored Waxed Stick

Yippy! Yee Haw!!! I found a job!! I start on Thursday afternoon!! Now I need to go shopping for appropriate attire and shoes since I allowed myself to blow up like a balloon this past year nothing, not one suit fits that is in my closet :(

Working full time is going to be a chore since I have grown accustomed to working when I want and for who I want. C'est la vie! The bills will continued to be paid and I can start saving again :)

I will need to make some changes in my life again, but I am cool with it. My new employers seem to have awesome personalities and are excited about me starting there as well.........

Wish me luck!

Note to self..................always remember that friends are the coolest things and lots of fun, quit overworking self so that you can spend more time with the people you love!!!!!!!!!

I had such a great time last night with SM and T!!! As always when I am with that SM person I am so compelled to be 5 and it feels good.

The Zen meditation was such a lovely addition to a great evening.

I have the power to enable myself to be a workaholic, to fill every minute of the day with something to do and then forget that I need down time for myself.

Its all good, I threw it out into the Universe that I needed some cash for the holidays and once again the Universe was gracious to fulfill (YEAH! Thank you Universe!). One of these days I will learn how to throw out into the Universe that I need extra income but not extra work, giggles........I'm still thankful!

I am now manifesting a friend with a digital camera so that I can get my artwork submitted to the SWLAE..........

1. pick up the nearest book to you.
2. find the 123 page
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you

"We believe that we are not responsible for the consequences of our actions."

The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav

Reply to this post, and I will list three things I love/adore/like/admire about you. Then repost to your own journal and spread the love.

Apparently you also should post the 3 things someone said about you. She said:

Allthecolors said about me:

1. I love your creativity
2. I love your little girl energy
3. I love your hugs

What I have been doing on Sundays..........................

Being the perpetual closet dweller that I am, I have to apologize to everyone who has been looking for me. I have been here, nose in the books. Which seems to be paying off since I have straight A's!!!!! That darn Business Law class I took way back when is still killing my GPA, however it did rise another two points to a 3.94!!!!! I'm elated! What have I learned through all of this? If you keep your nose in the books and keep on the straight and narrow at work.......you get fat!!!!!

Now I am faced with continuing my education at the current school and ending up so far in debt that I won't have my head above water until years after I am dead and in the ground, transferring to the local community college or giving up totally. Decisions, decisions!!!!!!!!!!

Then there is my art which I would love to focus on, but there is not enough of me to go around, what to do, what to do!!! Its times like these when I truly wish I had a Daddy to help me through it all, help me with the decisions, direction and to look objectively at the situation. I've talked to my Father and I know he means well, but his "do what feels good to you" response gets old after a while when what I really need is him to help me look at things objectively through someone else's eyes so that I can make the right decision. C'est la vie!!!!!!!!!

So to everyone that may feel slighted due to my lack of response, please accept my apologies. I think of everyone often and go to dial the phone then get distracted and end up elsewhere, it truly does not have anything to do with you its my attention span ebbing and flowing.

I did it!!! I went from a 3.83 to a 3.92!!! YEAH ME!!!!

I got a 215 out of a possible 225 points on my final paper!!!! With a comment of, "Very interesting topic written in an incredible fashion." Would have received 225 points but I can never remember when to use "'" before the "s" or after, geesh!

I even got an "A" in Critical Thinking after telling the teacher in my final project that I already knew how to use critical thinking, laughs!

Where am I?
Who am I?
What the heck am I doing?

Where am I? I'm right here at home, trying to learn how to let go of stress so I can start functioning like my old self again.

What am I doing? Between work, school, chiropractor, kids, clients and home repairs you might find me trying to remember to take care of me and relax (HA! HA! HA!).

Who am I? I'm a colored wax stick that you can draw with, yes, pick me up and I will probably do anything you say, giggles.

Closet dwelling isn't much fun but it is so hard to squeeze in anything else that doesn't involve adding more stress to my plate. Of course its all self inflicted, but I am a masochist.

Good things going on:

Son is in rehab, YEAH!!!!!!!!!! He's staying on his meds and is actually a much more pleasant person to talk to these days. I'm praying for him!

I have a job, well more than one, but its like having a full time job that you don't have to see the same people everyday, makes the week fly by.

I'm passing my classes, though I don't know why I have to take critical thinking, its just making my head hurt and confusing the hell out of me. I already know how to argue, why complicate things with inductive and deductive stuff? Who cares if its valid or invalid an argument is just that an argument, giggles.

I got a puppy!!!!!!! She's 9 months old and her name is Tory. She's a beautiful Australian Shepherd mix (we think the mix is Irish Setter, cus of her colour). Tory and I met at the Humane Society on Hatcher, we fell in love and she has been so beneficial in helping to reduce my stress levels. She takes me for a walk almost every day, smiles and is very playful. She is way more social and outgoing than me so we make a great team! I am jealous of one thing that Tory does and I don't get to, she sleeps in a cage. Maybe someday soon she and I will trade places, she can sleep in my bed and I will sleep in her cage :)

On the not so good front:

My car isn't out of the shop. I really don't like driving rental cars, especially this one, my arms and neck hurt worse after a long drive in it. C'est la vie that should be changed today, swapping rental car companies because the other dudes insurance won't pay for this car.

The chiropractor will not release me from the three times a week regiment that he has me doing. :( This really eats into my free time. The only really good part of the therapy is the electrostem treatments, yummy, can you say, "turn it up Doc!" ten times fast???

Life goes on and I keep smiling, so it can't be that bad :)

Yeah! There is peace in my home for a while! Having my son out of the house is allowing me so much more free headspace, I can feel the stress leaving my body. I have been able to leave my home feeling secure that I will have a home when I get home. My creative spirit is soring and I have actually been able to work, work on home improvement projects, see friends and get my homework done in a timely manner without feeling like I have a giant elephant sitting on my back. YEAH!

I am greatful for calm quiet mornings, stressless nights and for an abundance of creative people in my life.

Well, I haven't been around much again, closet dweller that I am. Trying to keep my head out of the closet and I think I am doing pretty good at it, but I still feel like I have alienated some friends and for that I apologize.

I just dropped my middle child off at a clean house where he will stay until he can get into a inpatient treatment program again. I couldn't take it any more, the highs and lows of his addictions and his bi-polor disorder have been keeping me on an emotional roller coaster for the last four months. My focus is off and I haven't been taking care of myself like I should be. I have mixed feelings here, some of relief and some of utter freaked outness. Relief, I can leave my house again and not have to worry if someone will be bleeding when I get home. Relief, I can leave my bedroom door unlocked when I go to sleep at night. Relief, I can start to sleep at night, yeah! I know this is the best thing for him, but the mommy in me just wants to wave a magic wand and make it all better. His halfway house will make sure he takes his medication for his illness and they will do regular UAs and breathalizer tests on him, they will take him to a AA, NA or CMA meetings daily. They will see that he gets to his group meetings, doctors appointments and that he stays in contact with his case manager. You have no clue what a burden this lifts from my back, at the moment it is well worth the $125.00/week I will be paying until he gets a job and can pay for himself!

Phewwwwwww! Now I can focus on finding a new job and my degree program!!!! I can spend time with my younger son, push him along to be a man and just breathe for a bit!
Yes, the other job did not work out for me, got there and found out during the first week of employment that the boss was highly unethical and I just couldn't live with that, so I left, laughs, and here I am looking again :) All will be just as it should be! Now I can see my friends again, smoke a hookah and blow smoke bubbles, maybe hug a teddy bear that does breath play, who knows what can happen...........freedom is such a wonderful thing!!!

I am so greatful for my health, for my understanding friends, for my ability to reason and for another day to smile...............

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch

<th colspan="2">My Detailed Results:</th>

Physical Touch:	9
Quality Time:	8
Words of Affirmation:	7
Acts of Service:	6
Receiving Gifts:	0

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Well, after a four month vacation I am back to the grind stone. Kinda nervous about making it through a whole day of work, but I think I can, I think I can!

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and put my best foot forward, fighting off the little bits of self destructive thinking that tends to get in our way and sets us up for failure. Its not as easy as it sounds.

I am greatful for the opportunity to have another first day!

Okay, I have come to the conclusion that I must be utterly insane.

Its Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m. and I am reading LJs while I wait to take my car in to the shop to get the rear windows fixed. No one ever told me that electric windows that are used rarely might break if you do use them? C'est la vie!

I am going to actually walk home from the car place today (picked one fairly close to home and lord knows I need the exercise), thank god there is one, laughs. Followed by 2 last minute tax clients and then another called and asked if I would go over some contracts with her. I am the one who threw "Financial Freedom" out into the universe, one might think that I would know by now that everytime I do that I get more work. I think I need to find a way to attract financial freedom with less work and more free time. Honest, I am not complaining, it truly is a good thing since I have been on vacation for 4 months now.

I am also very very excited! I start a new job on Monday!!!!!!!!! Yeah! After four months of down time and living off of my savings I think that I have found a great job! The owner seems to be a good man and very perceptive, this is a good thing. It is now time to replenish the savings account and move on with a clearer mind.

I am also excited about getting together with Sean-Michael at some point today, the last few times we tried to hook up something got in the way for both of us and we missed the experience. I'm not so sure that I want to do the Zombie thingy, I feel so out of place at the fetish events any more, everyone is so much younger than me. But, at the same time it is an out of the house and it is in the company of a wonderfully fun person :) We will see what happens!

Life is good!

Why does this subject create such havoc in my brain? I have several friends who have wonderful families that I so enjoy being around. They seem to have such loving relationships. I would actually love to join and serve in anyone of those families, however, I just cannot wrap my head around the sexual side of things and this causes such termoil within me. Am I still stuck in the Catholic frame of mind when it comes to sex or am I just to overprotective of my sexuality and still yet am I overprotective of my heart?

My head tells me that I have worked so hard on me that I deserve a Dominant of my very own and that to accept a position in a family would devalue me as a person and that I am not worthy enough to have my own dominant. I know that this is not how someone in a poly family feels, I have talked to many, but it is something in my mind. It just gets so twisted up inside me.

I also cannot invision how a Dom/Master can possibly give the same attention to all that are in his household so that no one feels slighted or lesser than the other person. Thats an incredible amount of work on a Dominants part. I know this being the mother of three, it can be so difficult when everyone wants/needs your attention at the same time.

Then there is the alpha-beta thing, how does the beta feel worthy when they are accepting second place in someones life? This does not compute. I know that the beta has to be a very strong person to take on such a role in someones life, but in my head it gets weirded out. In my mind they are accepting that they are less that someone else, it is just my mind.

Then back to the sex thing, I find that there are an aweful lot of men out there who look at poly as a way to collect several sex partners and one of my biggest fears is that I will be sucked into this type of thinking. My heart just doesn't understand that if you love someone how can you want to have sex with others, do you love all the others in your life the same much or is it just a sexual kick for you?

My sexuality is tied to my heart and my spirit and I guard both of them against pain. As hard as I try to understand it all it just gets so discombobulated in my head.

Am I causing myself to lose out on the joy of service because of my own internal belief structure? I can become so envious of those who are in poly families because they are experiencing the joy of service and I am not. Perhaps I will search for a Gay Male Dominant to serve so that I can eliminate the problems I am having with the sexual side of things?

Perhaps I will eventually meet the right someone and all of these issues will resolve inside me? Who knows....................

So I need to be kicked!!! I was thinking since I am a mommy and since I have a child suffering from bipolar disorder who is not getting medicated for his anxiety disorder that I would find something to keep his mind off of his woahs. YEAH RIGHT!!!! He's stubborn, pigheaded, impatient and not any fun to play with :(

So here we are doing something together that should be fun, right? If I hear myself say be patient one more time I am going to cry.............laughs, and yes I keep telling myself that as well!!! The good news, he's totally psyched about his book! Its just trying to work out all of the issues that go along with doing something for the first time, for both of us.

I think this project will be good for HIM and perhaps it will help me gather new patients from within the debts of my being (or one of us will end up dead, laughs).

I am learning new things about him. He's pickier than me, he is more of a perfectionist than me and he likes black and white. I am hoping that this little adventure of ours will help get his mind back on art, since he is an incredibly talented artist when he allows himself to be. His creative thinking is far more wide spread than mind and perhaps we can get him doing something that he enjoys that he can eventually earn a living at.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.................

Just making a note to let peeps know that I am still alive. I have just been slaying dragons lately, but I think all will be well in the end.

Anyone know what to do with dragon bits?

MORE, More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, MORE, More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, MORE, More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, MORE, More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, MORE, More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, MORE, More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more.............